“Angry Birds” + “Words with Friends” = Angry Friends?

I am teetering precariously on the edge of staying disciplined amidst my complete infatuation and enjoyment of technology vs. allowing my life to get swallowed up by it. I wrote about how I was (and still am) infatuated with my iPhone and the multitude of apps available on it including the incredibly popular and addictive “Angry Birds” and “Words with Friends.”

While this passion serves me well in many ways by supporting me in being more productive, informed and efficient ( as well as creating opportunities for sheer fun), I do remain mindful of monitoring my usage carefully. Why? Because I am acutely aware of how this shiny toy and all the irresistible apps can be a HUGE stealth time stealer.

For example, someone dear to me recently invited me to play “”Words with Friends” with her. I initially resisted. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to connect with her rather I could see the potential pitfalls of being lured into the abyss. When I recognized that her life with kids in high school and college and a husband who travels has created a new norm of communicating through her iPhone, I decided it might be the best way to keep in touch with her. So, I bit the bullet and agreed to play “Words with Friends” with her. It instantly became a way to keep in touch throughout the day as we bantered back and forth between moves.

Then, “it” happened! I was with my husband on a Friday evening at one of our favorite restaurants. We were chatting about our week and planning our weekend. In the background, I began hearing my iPhone or more specifically “Words with Friends” beckoning me. It began as a whisper then it kept getting louder. It eventually became impossible to ignore, so I picked up my phone and launched “Words with Friends” as we were paying our check.

As we drove home, I continued to work on my next move as she invited me to play a second, simultaneous match. I became completely unaware at times that I was with my husband. When we arrived home, he got settled in downstairs for a relaxing evening together. Twenty minutes later I was still standing upstairs at my nightstand (where I intended to plug my phone in) working on my first move in the second game. I was growing increasingly anxious and annoyed that I couldn’t snap out of it . . . which made me even more of both because I choose to live in a way that minimizes both.

In a couple of days and only a few games my worst fear had come true. I was sacrificing what I value (meaningful connection) for what I loathe (random meaningless connection) and simultaneously being incredibly inconsiderate to my husband. So, I turned off my phone and, with a sigh of relief, joined him downstairs. You think I would have learned my lesson months earlier about app addiction when she turned me onto “Angry Birds” which eventually also required a self-intervention!

The next day, I emailed my “Words with Friends” partner. I told her I was resigning on both games, and I was going to take the stolen moments (“It only takes a few minutes to play,” she had told me at the beginning) that easily and quickly add up to an hour or more each day and put them toward all the things I “don’t seem to have time for” such as walking, reading, etc. AND talking to her live on the phone. Although “Words with Friends” was connecting us, our conversation was surface banter about the game. Since then, I’ve called her and chatted live about what really matters (at least to me!).

This brings me to a broader perspective on how technology has permeated our lives and the way we interact with each other. I’ve had opportunities recently to spend time with people I care deeply about in what I thought was meaningful connection . . . until I realized their faces were aglow from the light of their iPhones. Technically, we were together yet each of them were in their separate worlds as they bombed a pig, played another word, perused Facebook and/or texted to someone somewhere else.

Today I heard about and then read an article in the NY Times that speaks to this in a slightly different way. What caught my eye specifically was when the writer, David Carr, talks about the “eroded fundamental human courtesies.” This, I believe, is at the core of my struggle. I care about you . . . I want to connect with you . . . let’s do it consciously and without distraction. Step away from the iPhone!

Honestly, as a Relationship Coach, beyond the inherent addiction to these apps/tools there’s a part of me that believes a lot of this distraction is an attempt (unconscious or conscious) to control and avoid discussing anything in-depth. I find it increasingly challenging to find people who are willing to stay in a conversation for longer than a nanosecond. Harmless, quick, random interaction seems more natural these days. Are meaningful extended conversations going the way of handwritten letters?

For now, my iPhone has a curfew (before dinner it is turned off and charged) and a few self-imposed rules (games are played when waiting vs. keeping my life waiting for games), so I can create time to call my friend, connect with my husband, read a book or just plain relax. For me, no “Angry Birds” + no “Words with Friends” = Happy Kathie!

How about you? Please share your thoughts as well as take part in my poll below.

Are you ready to thrive?

Kathie Nitz